Thursday, July 6, 2000

The friendship fork 

I'm so pissed at my sister sometimes that I just want to rip her head off. Then other times she can just be so much fun to hang out with. One thing I just can't stand is that she really just puts things off until the VERY last minute. I really am not sure whether or not she even knows the word "early". She thinks it is okay to leave the house at 8:55 even when we need to be at work by 9:15 and it takes 45 minutes to get there. Either she has no concept of time, or she just doesn't care. Either way, it's going to ruin her when she lives away from home. She'll never get anywhere if she doesn't understand that early is better than on time. And taking the risk of getting there early is much better than trying to get there on time, and getting there late instead. And it drives me (and my dad) INSANE!!! She will NOT get to work at 8:55, she will only get there between 9:00 and 9:30, just because she doesn't feel the need to impress her boss.
    I've found a new love for typewriters. At work, they use them for mailing labels and things like that, but I just like to type on them for fun. I think it has to do with the thrill of seeing what you type right before you, right there at that moment. The computer just seems unreal compared to a typewriter. There's the authenticity of what you are typing as well. It can't be edited and reprinted, you just have to accept what you get. I don't know, I guess I'm just addicted. If I ever had the guts to write a book, I'd do it at a typewriter, not a computer, because it is so much more fun.
    I saw someone at UCLA today that I have not seen for two years. He just walked right by me, and I was saying to myself, "Is that...oh my god, that is!" The thing is, even after you haven't seen someone in two years, it's like you can see them once and remember everything about them. What also happens is that you remember yourself from when you last saw the person. I was thinking to myself, I wonder if he recognizes me? I wonder if I have changed? If I have, has it been for the better, or worse? It was weird, seeing him, and realizing how much time can go by without a person changing at all. He walked and acted the same way that I remember from two years ago. I was afraid to say hello for fear that I changed, but at the same time, I was hoping that I had gotten better. But I should have been asking myself, "Was I even a good person back then? Should I want to be a different person?" I truly can't think about how I was two years ago. Things have changed so much in my eyes. I think Marlborough has really put me in another place, but I don't think anyone has noticed, because I was too afraid of letting go of the me from the past.
    There are only two people from my past, Matthew and Natalie (the only two I really talk to, how sad is that?) that have really seen me through from the start. I know for a fact that Matthew hasn't seen me change much, because I've been hiding my new self from him in fear that the change could change our friendship. I mean, he became my friend at Carlthorp, and maybe he wouldn't have been my friend if he knew how I would have ended up. It is one of those true friendship tests. It is the test to see whether they can hold out no matter what happens, and I think one of my biggest fears is that no one will. I think Natalie, on the other hand, has seen me change, and I'm so scared. In the time that I have really changed, we have grown apart a bit. I think I am striving really hard right now to figure out what happened and undo it. But there is this conflict inside me. Am I playing with nature by suppressing who I really am in order to save a friendship? I'm at a crossroads. Which road do I choose? The road to everlasting friendship, or the road to discovering myself?