Thursday, July 6,
2000
The friendship
fork
I'm
so pissed at my sister sometimes that I just want to rip her head off.
Then other times she can just be so much fun to hang out with. One thing
I just can't stand is that she really just puts things off until the VERY
last minute. I really am not sure whether or not she even knows the word
"early". She thinks it is okay to leave the house at 8:55 even when we
need to be at work by 9:15 and it takes 45 minutes to get there. Either
she has no concept of time, or she just doesn't care. Either way, it's
going to ruin her when she lives away from home. She'll never get anywhere
if she doesn't understand that early is better than on time. And taking
the risk of getting there early is much better than trying to get there
on time, and getting there late instead. And it drives me (and my dad)
INSANE!!! She will NOT get to work at 8:55, she will only get there between
9:00 and 9:30, just because she doesn't feel the need to impress her boss.
I've found a new love for typewriters. At work, they use them for mailing
labels and things like that, but I just like to type on them for fun. I
think it has to do with the thrill of seeing what you type right before
you, right there at that moment. The computer just seems unreal compared
to a typewriter. There's the authenticity of what you are typing as well.
It can't be edited and reprinted, you just have to accept what you get.
I don't know, I guess I'm just addicted. If I ever had the guts to write
a book, I'd do it at a typewriter, not a computer, because it is so much
more fun.
I saw someone at UCLA today that I have not seen for two years. He just
walked right by me, and I was saying to myself, "Is that...oh my god, that
is!" The thing is, even after you haven't seen someone in two years, it's
like you can see them once and remember everything about them. What also
happens is that you remember yourself from when you last saw the person.
I was thinking to myself, I wonder if he recognizes me? I wonder if I have
changed? If I have, has it been for the better, or worse? It was weird,
seeing him, and realizing how much time can go by without a person changing
at all. He walked and acted the same way that I remember from two years
ago. I was afraid to say hello for fear that I changed, but at the same
time, I was hoping that I had gotten better. But I should have been asking
myself, "Was I even a good person back then? Should I want to be a different
person?" I truly can't think about how I was two years ago. Things have
changed so much in my eyes. I think Marlborough has really put me in another
place, but I don't think anyone has noticed, because I was too afraid of
letting go of the me from the past.
There are only two people from my past, Matthew and Natalie (the only two
I really talk to, how sad is that?) that have really seen me through from
the start. I know for a fact that Matthew hasn't seen me change much, because
I've
been hiding my new self from him in fear that the change could change our
friendship. I mean, he became my friend at
Carlthorp, and maybe he wouldn't have been my friend if he knew how I would
have ended up. It is one of those true friendship tests. It is the test
to see whether they can hold out no matter what happens, and I think one
of my biggest fears is that no one will.
I
think Natalie, on the other hand, has seen me change, and I'm so scared.
In the time that I have really changed, we have grown apart a bit. I think
I am striving really hard right now to figure out what happened and undo
it. But there is this conflict inside me. Am
I playing with nature by suppressing who I really am in order to save a
friendship? I'm at a crossroads. Which road do I choose? The road to everlasting
friendship, or the road to discovering myself?
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