Tuesday, July 25, 2000

Burdens and one 

Has it ever seemed like your presence is a burden to others? Well, I am sure that the answer is yes, because everybody has felt that way at one point in time. It just seems like people are always worried about whether the person they're with really wants to be with them at that moment. My Opa has always felt that it was too much of a burden when he came and visited us, even though he stays in the vacant apartment below us, so we don't have to spare any room, and he doesn't realize that it is way more of a burden for us to have to travel 130 miles to visit him in 100 degree weather. It's funny how people's minds work.
Today, at UCLA, I ran into Natalie with all her friends from camp. We were walking by each other, and I was thinking, "Should I say "hi"? She's with all her friends, maybe I shouldn't bother her." But then I think, "She's my friend! What does she care whether I say hi to her amidst all her new friends?" I hate saying that. "New friends". She's out making new friends, Cindy's out making more friends, Rachel's out making more friends, and here I am, stuck with my sister at a deadbeat job. The money thing isn't even cheering me up nowadays. I spend my free time reading. Not that that's bad. I'm getting into "The Fountainhead", despite its 700 scary looking pages. I look at it this way. If I read 50 pages a day, I'll be done in two weeks. But then I have Biology homework. Yes, I said the "H" word. The one word that all students long to forget during 10 months of hell (Hell is my new codeword for school). For AP Bio, we have to read chapters 1-4 and 7 and answer the questions at the end of 1 and 7. Just an intro.
Are you curious what happened with Natalie? Well, I said "hi!", and there was this awkward moment for both me and her. It was awkward for her because she was heading off to lunch with all her camp people, and I just randomly said hello and she had to tear herself away from them for a second. It was awkward for me because I knew it was awkward for her, and I also felt like I was a burden.
There's only been one friend I've ever had where I don't feel like a burden, and I feel like I should really embrace that friendship, because it may be one of those friendships that last until you're both 80. Rachel Monas told me that in 7th and 8th grade she was afraid of me because I would intimidate her when we passed in the hall. It's the weirdest thing when someone admits that they were intimidated by you because you don't know what to say after that. I had a dream recently, and I'm trying to figure out what it means, because I usually don't remember dreams, and when I do, I feel like there is a reason that I remember it, like it is supposed to teach me something. This is what I wrote in my diary, when it was still kind of fresh in my mind.

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that Rachel Monas, Q(I am going to call this person Q to spare the real person any feelings if they happen to stumble across this page), and one other person (I forget who) were mad at me, and we were all at Natalie's house (except it was much much bigger) and there were lots of celebrities there. I told Q and the other person I didn't really care what happened to them, but I couldn't stand having Rachel Monas mad at me. Rachel was mad in my dream because I had called her a bitch. Don't ask. I don't know why.) The three people kept running away from me, and ignoring me, and when I found them in one room , they would leave for another, until finally they listened and I told Q and the other off, and I told Rachel that I couldn't stand it if we weren't friends. I kept thinking that after that it would be so hard to be friends, and that this dream must be to show me how much my friendship with Monas means to me. Now that I think of it, Alexis and I were looking for Daddy in the beginning of the dream and there was a really steep hill, but we ended up at this building, and when we went in, we separated and never ended up finding each other again. I did end up finding Rachel Paterno-Mahler, and she said she had to walk home, so she borrowed my shoes. Her shoes were these puffy bright purple ones made by KCET. But then all of a sudden, Natalie's Nana and her previous one, Dolores showed up asking me if I wanted to help set up for the dinner, and I ended up surprising Natalie in her room. Then all the celebrities came, and Rachel, Q, the other person and I think maybe another person who wasn't mad at me just showed up. It's not often I can remember a dream, and I think the purpose of me remembering this one was to make me think about how important my friendship with Rachel is.

Well, that may have been hard to understand, seeing as my brain is very weird and does weird things sometimes, but I think you get the point, right?

There are those
Spend the night under bridges
Over by the river
Down in the park through the winter

But there's a house that i know
Safe and Warm
And no-one ever goes there
(Down where the priests bless the wine...)
-Chumbawamba