Tuesday, August 1, 2000

Sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable with the space I'm in

My birthday always seems so weird. I don't ever know what to say after each gift. "Thanks" gets old really fast. My family got me 5 CD's and I didn't know what to say after I opened each one, "Thanks for this one too"? Noo... it's just weird. I love birthdays, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they can be the most awkward days of the year.
This is what they got me. It's fantabulous. It's wonderful. It's magnificent. It's spectacular. It's huge. And I didn't know what to say when I saw a two foot high, 4 foot long, 2 foot deep box on the table. "Is that a CD?"
But really, it was very fun. I got cheesecake!! For those of you that don't know, cheesecake is my very favorite cake, because any real cake cake just makes me sick to my stomach. Same with doughnuts and muffins. They are wonderfully delicious, but I just feel icky and full after I eat any, even if it is just one. 
I love my friends. Sometimes they are just so wonderful I don't know what to do with myself. When we were all at Joann's Barbeque, we played around with her video camera, and did a little reality show spoof. We all did little confessions in Joann's bathroom, and our mission was to vote someone off. It was so funny when more than half of us "voted off" Amy. She was the quietest one there, and she barely made any commotion. She's just this sweet person, and since it was pretty much the complete opposite of someone you would really vote off, almost all of us did. Of course, Natalie had the funniest "confession". We all just loved when she played alien with the drumsticks waving out of her ass. *smile*
But that isn't even the good part yet. At the end of the party, I was surprised with a watermelon. They had cut a slice of watermelon and it was decorated with a bunch of caramel and chocolate fudge, with my name spelled on it with some sort of icing. They topped it off with three wonderful candles. I don't think I've ever received such a wonderfully random birthday "cake?" like this one. I love you guys so much, and I'm so glad that you are there.

Cynthia says she'll introduce me to some of the guys she talks with online. Once again, I don't know what to say. "Thanks"? Still old. "I won't know what to say!" but then she says "It'll be fine don't worry." Three years ago, I would have never thought that Cynthia would be the one introducing guys to me. I was almost positive that it would be the complete opposite. But Cynthia has done a complete 180 since 7th grade. I'm amazed at her maturity, and she has become one of my very best friends.
She isn't the only one that's changed, though. I have, I think. It's one of those gradual things that you don't really notice is happening until you look at pictures of yourself from three years ago and you don't even remember yourself back then. My perspectives and prospects have completely changed. I think I view friendships in a completely new light, treasuring them more than ever. I've also changed my outlook of the future. I can remember when I thought I was going to be a movie star (laughs out loud at this thought now...). I haven't really got a future planned out, but I am not so much of a dreamer anymore. I think I've been let down too many times to trust anyone, including myself. 

Sister of night
with the loneliest eyes
tell yourself it's alright
he'll make such a perfect prize
but the cold light of day
will give the game away
-Depeche Mode