Wednesday, August 9, 2000

I can't tell people that I'm sad.

I wish more people understood me. I know that people are constantly saying, "You can talk to me any time", "I'm here for you", and "I understand", when they have no fucking idea what I'm going through. Maybe I just need someone to say, "I have no idea what you are going through, but you can talk to me if you want to," because that would make me feel better than anything else. What is really refreshing is when you indirectly find someone who identifies with you but has no idea about it. You find them, then you know that they are there for you without them ever having to offer it. 

People don't know that I'm sad. I say it here, and they read it and feel bad. Then if they talk to me and I laugh or make a joke, or say something totally random, they assume I'm happy. They assume that I'm fine. I'm fixed. But they don't understand that it is just a cover. I'm sad, and I know that one phone call with a friend will not make it go away, and I don't want anyone to assume that they can make me better. 

But then there are those who say that I say I'm sad because I want attention. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm sad. There's too many reasons to count from, and too many things that I should be happy about, that I get confused, and it just makes me even more sad. I'm sad because I'm expected to do things that I will never be able to do. I'm sad because I want, wait, scratch that, I need some things that I will never get. I'm sad because I've never fit in the way I had hoped. I'm sad because I can't get out of this frame of mind that I am a burden to others. I'm sad because sometimes I don't know how to say thank you. I'm sad because I am in love with people that will never be in love with me, no matter what I do. I'm sad because sometimes I can't understand my mother. I'm sad because my sister says she doesn't love me. I'm sad because I can't really find anyone besides my dad who likes the comfort of hugging another person as much as I do. I'm sad because I'm constantly reviewing my friends, and seeing whether I have any real ones. I'm sad because I always yawn and I have big bags under my eyes, no matter how much I sleep. I'm sad that I have asthma. I'm sad because I'm a regular teenager, and teenagers are sad a lot. 

Today, at my lunch break, I went out to sit on the grass next to Ackerman, and this couple sat behind me on the grass. I could here them laughing, and every once in a while I looked back and I saw the guy with his arm around the girl, whispering (sweet nothings) into her ear. I was reading The Fountainhead (p.265) and I think I read the same paragraph over and over about 6 times. My mind kept wandering to the people behind me, and the more I thought about them, the more envious I became. If I had been at my house, I would have just laid down and cried, because that is what I do when I realize how much I need someone. I don't want a boyfriend who carries me on his arm. I don't want the kind of relationship you see on those teenage shows, where he just takes you to the movies, and you make out. I need someone who understands me. I need someone that I can hug, because I am never more happy than when I am just holding someone else. I need someone who may not understand why I am sad, but at least will listen to the emotional me, then hold me. I need something other than unrequited love.