Sunday, August 14, 2000

My stereo has been on repeat all day.

There's two things that have always annoyed me about my mother. I'm afraid to write this here, because her live in boyfriend, Larry manages my website on his network, and I think my mom could read this if she tried. The thing is, I don't know that after tonight, I care. Tonight my mom came over to drop off some things and pick up some things, and she was happy. When I greeted her in our kitchen, she actually started laughing, and hugged me. I don't know if I've ever been so afraid as I was at that moment. Either my mother is back on Prozac, or she was drunk, and I'm going with the latter. All my life, my mother has been anything but normal. She's never been my mother, and I've always resented her for that. She's smoked forever. For years after her and my dad's separation, she was smoking, and I didn't even know. I thought the smell that clung to her clothes was just her smell. I figured it was like anyone in the world. She just has her own smell. Then when I found out, I got angry. Not because I knew that she smoked, but because I had been fooled, and I was angry that she was able to do that to me.

I've had asthma since the day I was born. My grandmother on my dad's side had it, and she smoked, and the combination of the two was the reason she died. I know that I don't see my mother enough, and I'm not exposed to her cigarette smoke enough to affect me and my condition, but I wonder whether she even considers it sometimes.

Am I being selfish? Is it too much for me to expect my mother to quit smoking because of me? I think so. I've tried talking to her about it, and she gets angry. The "I know it's bad, you don't have to tell me." speech.

I've come to expect unhappiness out of her, and I was just scared tonight when she was happy. When she picked me up in her arms and twirled me around, I knew something was off, and I didn't like it. I've tried to avoid her tonight, because I think I might cry if I talk to her too much.

On the other hand, something happened today that made me more happy than I have been in weeks. Catherine posted in my book and wrote something that made me cry, not because I felt alone, or because I was sad about something, but because I was understood. This is new to me, the whole idea of having my journal online. I think it could prove to be one of the best things that will ever happen to me. I cried with sadness tonight, and I cried with happiness tonight. I am hoping that I will do more of the latter in times to come.

This summer has changed me, as I noted in my weblog. I talked to Alison today, and I told her this, but I don't know if she understood. I don't think anyone will, when I return to school. I think that Annalee will, and I think Rachel will, but I don't think anyone else will. I have changed in a big way, but I think you have to have the right kind of mind frame to even see it, and unfortunately I'm afraid many of my very best friends don't. I am afraid that I won't be understood by my closest friends. That's why I need to hold on to this. I have to say thank you Catherine, and i have to say thank you Annalee. You know why. I'm sure.