Sunday, August 27, 2000

Does the world go into oblivion when you're not looking?

Things could have been much more interesting this weekend, but they weren't. I'm here listening to mum's new Enigma CD thinking about how crazy things will become in the next week, and taking no absolute precaution against it.

Today was an adventure. We celebrated mum's birthday, which is actually tomorrow by seeing Cecil B. Demented, eating cheesecake, and going to La Talpa for din din. First, I have to throw in my two cents about Cecil B. Demented. I don't know if I've seen a more interesting picture this year, but I don't know if I could have expected anything different from John Waters, the creator of Hairspray and Serial Mom. It was crazy to say the least, although it did seem a bit forced at times. Melanie Griffith isn't one of my favorite actresses to tell the truth, but in this picture the part seemed to fit her well. The orgy scene at the end of the movie (this doesn't ruin the ending, so don't get angry at me) created an awkward situation, with my mom at my left and my at her left. I held my mom's hand through the second half of the movie, because of the comfort, and because I love my mom's hands, but in certain scenes I could almost swear that she could feel the tension in my hands, because she would look at me and ask "What?" like I had shown my insecurity of the moment. It's hard for me to explain to her what I feel when she makes jokes around me about jacking off or about sex and the likes. I love being open with her, but sometimes it feels a bit off.

At La Talpa, it was open discussion night, I guess. Basically we all ended up talking about things that weren't normal topic discussion in our family, but for some reason came up tonight without reservation. My mom managed to bring up Amber, which led to a conversation about the responsibilities of college, which led to a conversation in which my dad swore he'd be showing up at Alexis' door often and unexpectedly to tell her to clean up her room, to a conversation in which I swore to my mother that she would take me East for Spring Break, a kind of New York or bust kind of trip that I've been meaning to take with my mother for years. We talked about the difference between loyalty and predictability and almost crossed a few lines when on the topic of age, when we talked about the science teachers at my school and my dad *had* to ask how old they were, but when we said, "he looks younger than you," my dad got touchy in the kind of "Am I really that old?" kind of way.

Which leads me to earlier today, when I just *couldn't* stand my dad for all I was worth. We were driving to pier 1 to pick up a pot for my mom's new birthday flower, and he decided to gas a yellow light, thinking he'd make it before it turned red. Across the street though, a man on a skateboard was a little anxious, gliding off the sidewalk in anticipation of the green light, causing my dad to brake it in the middle of the intersection and spit out a few profanities in the process. Of course, he had to complain, because that is his nature. He started saying how he "could have made it before it turned red," and then, of course my sister had to protest, because that is her nature. She claimed it was red before he entered the intersection, claiming she knew it all even though she was in the back seat. The three of us all have the same problem, we can't admit when we're wrong. So of course, I had to throw in my two cents, because that is my nature. I said, "whether the light was yellow or red doesn't matter. If you see that he is already in the crosswalk you shouldn't try to gas the yellow light, because you can't guess what he'll be trying to do,". Well, at least I tried to say all that. Then of course my dad had to interrupt and cut me off because that is his nature, and I probably only got to "if you see that he is--" when he exclaimed, "Geez you two, you'd think that since you're my family you'd at least support me rather than argue with me!". We two managed to stay quiet after that, our heads pointing defiantly out the window, not caring what anyone else in the car said or felt.

I think my major problem with Alexis leaving is that I won't have anyone to look at or complain to when my dad completely gets on my nerves. I warned my mom tonight, "Mum, I'm going to be coming over to sleep a lot more than before. I don't know if I'll be able to handle living with Daddy on my own, with nobody to talk to about it. I'll be over there a lot more, you know." We were standing on the curb next to the car after dinner, and mum was finishing her cigarette. It was cold, and I was hugging her with my face nuzzled in her hair. I love it when I can do that. I love it when I can hold on to her and it feels like the problems I have with Daddy and Alexis don't exist, because I've got a mummy to hold onto.