Thursday, September 14, 2000

The magnitude of my brain is just off the scale.

This last week has been a combination of heaven and hell. I'm going through hell because of extreme emotions, high amounts of stress, low amounts of sleep, and crying, and not knowing what's wrong with me. But it's been heaven because I've discovered something new within myself, and I've discovered someone new that's opened my eyes. I'm crying more often, and I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's pulling me in all different directions, and I'm lost and confused and most of all just sad.

Lately the topic of sexual orientation seems to be coming up more often, and that's confusing me even more. You see, I went through this phase where I thought I might be bisexual, then I convinced myself it was just a phase, and let go of it. But now that it's right here in front of me, I'm beginning to think I may have been wrong before, and my mind is going crazy thinking about it. It's like it's the topic on my mind 24/7. That combined with thoughts about Annalee and Alexis and Amber and Rachel have just thrown me in all different emotional directions. Today I found myself sitting apart from the computer lab during my free with a pen in my hand and a notebook in my lap, writing like a maniac, thoughts racing through my mind, and just leaping on to the paper. But when I re-read it I discovered that I wasn't truly thinking about the words I was putting on the paper, they just went straight from my heart to my fingers, without ever passing my brain. I looked at it and realized that I didn't know that I knew half of it. I explained it to Annalee but I can't seem to make the words form themselves right now. But I ended up going back and forth from a state of utter mind-blankness to a state of just crying because I was so confused, to a state of feeling so alone and just wanting something that I didn't have. And after reading what I wrote on ten pages of my notebook, I realized that there's something in me that I've never seen before. I realized that just two months ago, I was suppressing things inside of me because I was afraid of them, but now they're all spewing out of me and I'm going CRAZY. 

I've been visiting the garage and supplementary boards so much lately, and I read about people who cut themselves and I ask why. I don't think I'll ever get to the point of cutting myself, and that trust in myself makes me proud, in a weird sense. But I think I'm very susceptible to manic depression, as my mother has gone through it for years and because I feel abnormal. I guess it's something that I just feel is something I will end up as. And right now I'm grasping for a way to stay the way I am, and I can't find it. I knew I was screwed up when I first created this web site, and when I first joined the garage, but I'm just realizing to what magnitude I am screwed up, and I'm about to go crazy and fuck myself up.

I need a hand to hold on to.