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Saturday, September 23, 2000 The California sky drew me like a siren... I truly hate it when I can remember things that I've tried so hard to forget. Like this. And when I wrote that last night I was happy. And then after I wrote it I wasn't. I had a very wonderful time last night. As much as I tried to avoid going to the Marlborough dance, I think I would have truly regretted it if I hadn't gone. The sky decided to cry last night. In fact for a while it sobbed and I was under it all, dancing and thanking who knows what and just trying to not recall so many things that I hate. I got hit on. It was a weird experience, because he was a total player and just wanted to make out in the back, but he said I looked sad. And he said I was interesting. Both of which I have to constantly remind myself of. I am sad and I am also interesting. And I'm proud of the latter, but being sad is something that I'm always trying to fix. I said to him, "I'm happy inside. I just don't show it." I was glad that I was hit on, and I was glad that I got to be the one who said no. I said something along the lines of, "I just don't think being your girlfriend for the night is RIGHT." and I can't figure out whether i regret it or not. But he found someone else (after 4 tries with other girls). I feel bad for this last girl, because she is somewhat of a friend to me and she fell for it. But basically Zoe explained it very nicely when she said, "i needed to blow off some steam. and dancing in the rain was the perfect way to do it. i suggest you all dance in the rain sometime soon." For about 30 minutes I was up on stage dancing. I danced with Cynthia and Talia and Mollie and Shane, and I felt the techno music within me and I just danced. Sometimes I forget how much I love to dance. It's like everything disappears for a while and all that is there are moving people, and you're going through some sort of mindhole where you can only hear the music and move your body. And when ATB's "Don't Stop" came on, when the evening was winding down and I was back outside with Annalee and Zoe and Laura, I started to have pains in my chest. It was pounding inside of me, and for a moment I couldn't stand up very well and it just hurt inside of me. I don't know if it was the dancing or if i ate something wrong or if my heartstrings were just being tugged too hard, but I soon found myself begging the sky to just wash it away so that I could just enjoy the rest of the night. But I left with the pains in my chest. And I regret it, even though it wasn't under my control. I wanted so badly to leave with a smile and just be glad and super happy about the night. And I was, but I could only wince because my chest hurt so much. And California seemed to
draw you like a siren |