Okay, I know. I know I'm not so good at this "journal entry" writing thing. I also know I shouldn't care what you think, even when you are constantly bugging me to write a new entry. This, this whole thing, is for me. Derek has said it perfectly here, link courtesy of Amber. I do want to think this:

Remember that a personal website's only defining characteristic is that it's personal. And, as such, no one has to "get it" but you. It doesn't have to "advance the medium" or "make the world a better place." It just has to make your world a better place. It has to fill some need in your life. It has to make you happy.

Do what you love, baby. And don't stop doing it for anybody. �

What's odd is that when I copied and pasted that from his page, there was hidden code saying <!-- and, hopefully, someday, I'll be able to take my own advice --> . Which is slightly distressing, because I was so sure that he would be true to his words, and it reminds me that sometimes people give the best advice, and they may not be able to follow it themselves even. And I do that way too often. Here I am, telling people to take a chance, step out of their shell, go right ahead and follow your dreams, and I'm sitting here hiding all the while, to scared to even poke a toe out.

But I want to tell you that I'll do the photo section when I fucking feel like it. And right now, I don't. So the link will sit there on the left and stare at you and I don't care, okay? No, I'm not a cold bitch. I really wish I could have the energy to get that together, and I want to see it up on the web, I want you all to be able to see my photos, but I don't have the get up and go. That's all.

In real life, I'm going through an all too similar type of hell. I've got a list of things to do. Homework, that is. This last week I was sick, which wasn't a good idea. I really was very very sick, but I wish I hadn't missed school, because I missed so much work, and now I have to make it all up. On Friday, when I returned to school, I started getting the picture of exactly how deep of a hole I had dug for myself, and I got REALLY Scared. I was scared, really scared. And I realized that in this first month of school, I had been avoiding too much, and now it was coming back full force. All my bad choices were coming back at me, and I'M SCARED! I'm usually not scared. I'm usually able to put on a smile, and joke my way through it, and avoid the whole fright of the experience, but for once I'm just frightened out of my own wits. Right now I think I need someone the most of all. I think at this point in time, when I'm barely able to grasp anything ahead of me I need someone to hold my hand. But I can't figure out who.

Last night I realized who I love. It sounds really odd. I know. But for a while now I knew I loved someone, but I didn't know who. And now I know.

It's a girl....