Saturday, November 11, 2000

Are we the fools for being surprised that a Silence could end with no sound

There is something that makes me come home every day and turn on my computer the minute I walk through my door. I call it an addiction, but who *really* knows? What is it about being online that brings me so much assurance and joy every day? More than puzzling, the whole thing is aggravating and angering. I've lost a certain self control. 

But this will all end very soon. My dad is soon about to purchase a type of hardware that will regulate me to one hour of online time per night. To some of you out there, that will seem like a lot. To some, that will seem like just a split second. I am the latter. An hour per night will feel like just one breath, and then it will be all gone.

Today I decided to take advantage of these last carefree days and actually *update* my site. It doesn't happen much, I know. Especially these journal entries. The thing is, many times a day I can think of a million things I might want to write down in a journal entry online, but I've lost the energy, the stamina, the concentration mind space.

This isn't my only problem. Schoolwork has become some sort of demon in my world, out to get me, to seek me out and KILL me. Biology has become the devil, Satan himself manifested into a school subject.

Defeating this monster has become my mission, my goal. It is an insurmountable mountain to me. Steep, daunting, truculent, vertiginous. It has gotten to the point where I am AFRAID of work. And there  is no telling how unhealthy that is.

Mostly I need a reassuring hug or a compliment or soothing words in order to make me feel better. But why can't I rely on myself to feel better? How come I depend so much on others to help me through everything?

Have I lost all my personal strength?

But then I look at how LUCKY I am. I notice all the wonderful things in my life. I am good at most of my school subjects. I'm in the advanced classes. I've got the most amazing and supportive group of friends that I could ever hope for. I've got a girlfriend that loves me. I have courage, to do some things.

But how do I get out of this?

I need to fall into a bottomless pit. I want to dive into eternity and have not a single worry to pull me back. I want all this. I need all this. I can sum up how I feel right now into one word.

Terrified.