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Saturday, December 2, 2000 Different People with a common pain Today might've been good if I really really wanted it to be. I mean, sure, I had the chance to go to Disneyland with three of the coolest people but i didn't. It started with waking up at 9:30 and reading the fourth Harry Potter book that i checked out from the library on Friday. I got to page 103 and decided to stop. My head hurt, so I went online (great fix). At about 3 I left for Lauren The Coxswain From Crew's house. Being the only one who hadn't heard that we could bring our nice clothes separate and wear comfy clothes, I was quite uncomfortable. I was the only one in a skirt, and everyone else was in sweats or jeans. And sitting in the circle with 8 other people, I felt like the one farthest away from everyone else. Petting her cat for comfort didn't prove to be a great situation, when i started getting a rash because I was allergic. By dinner, I was feeling part of the group a bit more. Able to share stories, laugh loudly without sounding like an idiot, get complimented on my outfit. So far these past couple months I've been an outsider. quiet. reserved. Then 6:30 rolled around and we were done eating, so we went to the Cow's End (Where the cool people hang) across the street. The air was chocolate and coffee, and the low ceilings and pastel walls made it feel like home. Even when I looked out the window and saw guys hitting on guys, saw college students studying for finals, older respectable people drinking their coffee and probably talking about something important like politics or stocks or the latest new york times best seller, I still felt like I belonged. But I didn't. I was there, alone on one couch and then there were three other groups of people talking. Megan and Chrissie and Ava and Vonique were sharing makeup. Sara and Alexis and Alexis and Izzy and Zahra and Katherine and Lauren were telling jokes. Annie and Stephanie and Paige and Sasha and Anne and Gillian were talking about rowing. And I was talking to myself and the guy playing the acoustic guitar, singing "Knocking on heaven's door" which for some reason made me feel like crying. Momma put my guns
in the ground And I thought maybe Chrissie would come over. Because Megan was talking and talking and chrissie was looking off into space, looked sad. Maybe thought she'd see me, see that I looked sad, and would come talk to me. It was odd to hear them talking about where they got their skirt or what they were gonna do after the race, or how fucking fat they thought they were and how much they were dreading wearing the unisuit. I remembered that that was important to me once, "Hey what're you gonna do afterwards? wanna go shopping? have a party? hang out? Oh my god! that skirt is so cute! Where did you buy it? Oh my god, I wanna get the same one. Ugh. my butt is so big. i hate spandex. I hate the unisuit, i look like a cow in it". God, I didn't belong there at all. Well, maybe I belonged at the Cow's End. But I didn't belong there with them. I was asking myself in my head, "What am I doing?" and "Why the fuck am I here with these people?" and I wanted to be able to drive. I wanted to be able to drive so that I could pick up Natalie or Rachel or Annalee and take them to the Cow's End and feel like I belonged. I sat alone on one couch while the other three couches had five people squished on to them. I stared at the ceiling for 20 minutes then stood up shakily and went to Annie saying "Where's the bathroom?" and when i left the bathroom they were all out front waiting for their parents. And now I'm here and listening to Bob Dylan sing "Knockin' on heaven's door" and I'm already forgetting why it meant so much the first time around. But Dar Williams "Family" seems to fit right now, seems to fit my room much better. Seems to fit better the people I'm talking to right now. We stood outside
in the summer rain, |