Sunday, December 17, 2000

Know that I'm not there

It just hit me how much I've lost. I've lost so many people, so many friendships. Knowing that Natalie was out watching a movie with friends from elementary school, and I wasn't there was weird. How can she hold on to those friendships so strongly? And I know I can't exactly want to have been there, I barely know any of them anymore, but it still makes me very sad. And then there's the fact that they saw a movie that I was hoping to see with someone this weekend. But it's not just that. I was thinking of who i might see the movie with, and i could only think of three people. One of them saw it yesterday, one of them is ill, and one of them probably wouldn't even want to see a movie with me at all. I have no true friends. Honestly.

It used to be that there was Rachel and there was Natalie and there was Cynthia. Natalie has slowly been drifting away. Every time I try to do something with her there's always an excuse she has not to do it with me. I've been wondering if it's me recently. I mean, there's nothing to talk about with her. conversation is dead, she looks so bored when she's with me, and she looks like she has so much more fun with other people. I don't know what to do.

Then there's Rachel, who I just can't figure out for the life of me. Last year i thought I had her pegged. I thought I knew her. I thought we were really close. Where did I go wrong?

Then Cynthia. Cynthia is great for me when she's around. But she never is. I see her at school, i know. But there isn't time to talk on the phone with her, she's always off to Taiwan or Thailand or a piano competition or just practicing piano and i just don't see her. And she also seems very bored when she's around me. 

Am I boring? oh my god. i am. I mean, people have conversations with other people online that last for hours and mean something. They're about something. And they end up having some lasting effect on those two people. But whenever i start a conversation in AIM, it always ends up dead. Except with one person. And I really can't find how it's different. What do i do different with this person so that the conversation doesn't end on a "Yeah" or an "Okay" or "That sounds cool". How do I become interesting?

This question has boggled me for a long time now. I look at people like Natalie and Annalee and Maggie who draw people towards them. People just instinctively like them. Or at least, the minute they meet them, they just like them from then on. And they want to talk with these people. There's something about these three people that just makes people go crazy and to know so plainly that there's no chance that I could ever acquire this thing is painful.

I wish I knew that people liked me. Sometimes i think that people talk behind my back and say the awful things that mean that they never cared about me in the first place. I fear this. I find myself wondering what people say about me behind my back all the time. What do they say? "Rachel's so boring." ??

I am boring. I'm sorry.

Know that I love you
Know I don't care
Know that I see you
Know I'm not there.
-Nick Drake "Know"