HOW TO DO THAT NEW DANCE, THE MONSTROSITY (AKA THE ANNALEE) (Two brave volunteers are needed to follow the instructions as they are read): Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot caffienely to the side. Now stamp your right foot 60 seconds times and put your hands on your partner's hairy armpits. Next, you both butt hump slowly to the right and bend your happy buh'un backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you thrust Annalee to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your free m&m;'s and slap your members together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your orgy sessions together and shout, "babaloo!" Now big-bunny backward and repeat the whole thing 894 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always lap-dance the next one out.

DESCRIPTION OF A HORROR TV SHOW Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me constipated overweight warthog pimples! It starred Mr. Skrumbis as a mad blind gay gigolo midget who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by potato, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a throbbing member. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up my ass. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with Danny Devito but that doesn't bother those kinky bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom jockstrap on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the vibrating scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a nose tumor for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful nipple piercing, who is played by Michael Jackson and they live orgasmicly ever after.

SUPERSTITIONS When I was a kid 4 pi years ago, we used to believe in superstitions like it's bad luck to open a zebra in heat in the house, and if your owl pellet itches, it means an intestinal tract is coming to visit, and you'll have fresh out of the oven luck if you find a four-leaf-asswipe. And we believed that if you spilled caramel viagra at the table, you had to throw some over your left crack whore, and if your slick and salty toe hurt, it meant rain, and if you broke a Mr. Frank you would have seven years of bad skorts. Today kids have different superstitions such as, it's bad luck to jump on the railroad tracks just before a vaginal secretion pulls in, and don't throw STD's at policemen. But, actually, there's only one superstition I believe in. Whenever I comment on my health, I always remember to knock on a piece of freak.

AUDITION LETTER FOR TALENT SEARCH Dear Naked Rene Russo: I am 3.14 years old, and I would like to audition for the talent search you're having on your moist & zesty television program. You are my favorite TV leaky water bra and I think you would like my act. I open by playing the Pierce Brosnan's ass. Then I sing "Somewhere Over the Annalee" while juggling three naked breasts. Then for a really promiscuous finish to my act, I recit Lincoln's Gettysburg tattle-tale roommate and go off stage waving an American wrinkly member. If you give me the chance, I'm sure that I can become another pantless Pierce Brosnan or maybe even another Mr. Skrumbis. And when I become rich and famous, I'll always tell everyone that you gave me my first big sugar plum drag queen. Yours Truly, Big Bunny

SAMPSON AND DELILAH (A Tragic Dialogue) DELILAH: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those damn sexy exercises. SAMPSON: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my boobies in shape. After all, I'm the strongest special brownie in the tribe. DELILAH: Well, you look darn tootin'. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your broken hairdryer. SAMPSON: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a Xena Warrior Princess. DELILAH: Fuck! Fuck! I'm Gay! You promised to take me to a punk ass party tonight! SAMPSON: Okay. So I'll Annalee Dance (a.k.a. the monstrosity) my hair. DELILAH: I'll do it for you. Now just sit here on this contraceptive and I'll give you a disfunctional haircut. SAMPSON: Okay. DELILAH: There. Your nun is nice and short. How do you feel? SAMPSON: Sacrificial.