[Jeffrey Eugenides]

It's not easy being green
[Kermit the Frog]

Everyone has had more sex than me


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So, after a wonderful Thanksgiving in sunny Santa Monica with the parentals, I'm back in Providence. It isn't too chilly quite yet, surprisingly. Damned global warming keeps having its way. I'm not one to complain, though, of course.

I'm looking ahead to a 3 week period of hell. Combined with the beginning of winter training indoors, I have a hellish combination of final exams and papers. I'm going to be a real shit-show, I know it. But home again, home again, in just 3 weeks, and I can't barely wait.

The crush thing ended up well.. in some respects. I acted on it, which was nice, but just like the others, my body just wasn't feeling it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Am I supposed to be moving on? Do I have to force it? It doesn't quite seem like the right way to move on.

.: posted at 11:38 PM  
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So I had a crazy night Saturday night. After going to Sakkura (a sushi place near campus) with my team to celebrate Deb and Sasha's birthdays, and doing 2 sake bombs and drinking 3 beers, my team came back to the suite to play some Kings which turned into Never have I ever. Needless to say, I got more drunk than I have been all year, and passed out at 9 pm. I woke up around 12:30 and goofed off for a while, and met up with a boy that I like...

My life has been twisted and turned upside down numerous times this year. It's a completely different life than I led last year, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm turning into someone I don't like. Sometimes I long for the relationship I feel like I just threw away. I don't know what to do with all of these feelings except think of them as I fall asleep every night.

The prospect of something romantic does excite me, but my body keeps saying no, keeps telling me, "they don't know how to treat you right. They don't know the right way to kiss you and the right way you make you happy. They aren't perfect for you. Don't waste your time." But all my mind can do is list reasons why my old relationship wasn't perfect. It was awkward with my friends. How can you be with someone who can't even hang out with you and your friends? It couldn't work out. It wasn't working out. And yet, when it was just the two of us...

No, rachel.

.: posted at 1:21 AM  
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I have a crush!
.: posted at 1:06 PM  
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It's November and it's 62 degrees outside. I'm in heaven.
.: posted at 11:29 AM  
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I've just gotten over a flu that was severely unpleasant- much similar to watching CNN and ABC and NBC and all them announce that GW Bush is going to be our president for the next four years. It hurts, and the initial shock and anger lingers like the sore throat that doesn't seem to understand that the rest of my symptoms have left the building. But I'm of the mind not to give up or say I want to run away. This was my first time voting, and things didn't go my way. But things went the way of 51% of this country, and even though I disagree, I'm not about to start thinking that I'm not an American. I'm not running off to Canada and I'm not going to spend the next four years of my life studying abroad. Not because Canada and other places aren't splendid- I'm sure they are, in their own ways. I like the path I have for myself right here in Rhode Island. After all, the Brown campus is far from 51% percent republican. My immediate atmosphere hasn't changed too much with the news. I still have my music and my friends and good food.

My coach is republican. He jokes in meetings about how he and Deb (one of the rowers) are the only republicans in the room. It's usually a funny joke, but yesterday when he came into the erg room while we were stretching, he said, "Don't look so glum guys, it's only an election!"

My immediate reaction was, of course, "Only an election?!?" (except I didn't say it... this was all in my head). "It's the election of the highest official in our country who determines what opportunities we have and how we make our choices in everyday life!"

But then it occured to me in my silent rage that that man standing over me is over 60 years old. It's been over 40 years since the first time he voted, and he's seen 10 presidencies begin and end. He's felt each term zip by like just another phase. This country is ever changing. One 4 year term can only do so much to determine my future.

So I'm looking ahead. I've accepted that Bush was reelected, fair and square. That is now a given. So I guess my hope is that if he screws us over even more in the next four years, those 4 million people who voted for him over Kerry will finally be mobilized to change the state of our country. And if he doesn't screw us over even more (I have heard many sound arguments for why his next term probably won't be as radically oppressive and ideological as his first, but I'd rather not spout off on that here), well then, good. He shouldn't.

As for now, I'm just thinking about what decisions I have to make in the present.

What should I wear today?
When should I go to lunch?
Should I ask for an extension on my paper?
How much should I have my hair cut next week?

.: posted at 10:03 AM  
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thank you, blogger.